| Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. | life |
| Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. | life |
| Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. | change |
| He does not care for flowers. Calls them rubbish, and cannot tell one from another, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. | nature |
| He had had much experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." | humor |
| He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits. | humor |
| Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. | happiness |
| Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. | education |
| Hunger is the handmaid of genius. | life |
| I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct -- nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying. | society |
| I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. | humor |
| I am the entire human race compacted together. I have found that there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. | life |
| I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want. | life |
| I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. | education |
| I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed. | life |
| I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. | education |
| I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. | humor |
| I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. | humor |
| I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices. | humor |
| I learned long ago never to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace and inexperienced people to say. | experience |
| I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe. | humor |
| I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. | humor |
| If everybody was satisfied with himself there would be no heroes. | self-esteem |
| If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him. | humor |
| If you have nothing to say, say nothing. | humor |
| If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. | humor |
| If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. | humor |
| In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that. | humor |
| Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense. | attitude |
| It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. | humor |