| One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. | humor |
| One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat. | humor |
| Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. | humor |
| Prosperity is the best protector of principle. | humor |
| Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. | humor |
| She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. | humor |
| The New York papers have long known that no large question is ever really settled until I have been consulted. | humor |
| The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. | attitude |
| The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. | humor |
| The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. | education |
| The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. | humor |
| The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying. | life |
| The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. | humor |
| The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. | life |
| The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little. | life |
| The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. | success |
| The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. | humor |
| The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. | success |
| The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. | success |
| The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. | success |
| The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so. | humor |
| The very ink in which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. | education |
| The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people but if we tried to shut up the insane we would run out of building materials. | humor |
| There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. | life |
| There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. | humor |
| There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure. | life |
| There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. | humor |
| There is no security in life, only opportunity. | life |
| There is no such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! | humor |
| There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. | humor |