| If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. | Mark Twain |
| If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. | Mark Twain |
| In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that. | Mark Twain |
| It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. | Mark Twain |
| It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. | Mark Twain |
| It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good -- and less trouble. | Mark Twain |
| It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. | Mark Twain |
| Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the under dog in the fight -- this is magnanimity; but bet on the other one -- this is business. | Mark Twain |
| My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. | Mark Twain |
| Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. | Mark Twain |
| Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. | Mark Twain |
| Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. | Mark Twain |
| OCTOBER 12, THE DISCOVERY. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. | Mark Twain |
| Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. | Mark Twain |
| Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. | Mark Twain |
| On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfine. | Mark Twain |
| One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. | Mark Twain |
| One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat. | Mark Twain |
| Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. | Mark Twain |
| Prosperity is the best protector of principle. | Mark Twain |
| Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. | Mark Twain |
| She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. | Mark Twain |
| The New York papers have long known that no large question is ever really settled until I have been consulted. | Mark Twain |
| The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. But he won't sit upon a cold stove lid, either. | Mark Twain |
| The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity. | Mark Twain |
| The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. | Mark Twain |
| The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. | Mark Twain |
| The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so. | Mark Twain |
| The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people but if we tried to shut up the insane we would run out of building materials. | Mark Twain |
| There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. | Mark Twain |