| A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose. | Mark Twain |
| APRIL 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. | Mark Twain |
| Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething. | Mark Twain |
| Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. | Mark Twain |
| All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised. | Mark Twain |
| As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. | Mark Twain |
| Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. | Mark Twain |
| By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. | Mark Twain |
| Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. | Mark Twain |
| Conformity -- the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority. | Mark Twain |
| Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise. | Mark Twain |
| Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. | Mark Twain |
| Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute. | Mark Twain |
| Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned. | Mark Twain |
| Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. | Mark Twain |
| Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. | Mark Twain |
| Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her. | Mark Twain |
| From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any FIRST AND FOREMOST object but one -- to secure peace of mind, spiritual comfort, for HIMSELF. | Mark Twain |
| Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. | Mark Twain |
| Golf is a good walk spoiled. | Mark Twain |
| He had had much experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." | Mark Twain |
| He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits. | Mark Twain |
| I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. | Mark Twain |
| I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. | Mark Twain |
| I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. | Mark Twain |
| I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices. | Mark Twain |
| I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe. | Mark Twain |
| I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. | Mark Twain |
| If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him. | Mark Twain |
| If you have nothing to say, say nothing. | Mark Twain |